×

From Self-Abandonment to Intentional Love and in a Healthy, Committed Relationship

Client Snapshot

This client first came to Dagmar for a one-time 90-minute session. At the start, most of her focus was on the relationship she had left and the toxic behaviors of her former partner.

She talked about how disrespectful, controlling, critical, and emotionally unsafe the relationship had been. But as they went deeper, the work shifted.

The real breakthrough came when they stopped focusing only on him and started focusing on her.

Because the deeper question was not just:

“Why did he treat me that way?”

It was:

“Why did I stay when I knew I was not safe?”

That question opened the door to the real pattern.

The Core Pattern

Her core pattern was self-abandonment.

She struggled to use her voice, especially when something felt hard, uncomfortable, or unsafe. Instead of speaking clearly, she often kept the peace. Instead of honoring her own values, she adjusted herself around his.

She was not doing this because she was weak.

She was doing it because she wanted safety.

She wanted calm. She wanted acceptance. She wanted a relationship that felt secure.

But in this relationship, she was often met with criticism, judgment, and drama. Over time, his voice became louder than her own.

She began to use his criticism against herself.

The pattern looked like this:

• She avoided hard conversations because she feared being criticized.
• She focused on his good qualities and minimized the harm.
• She made excuses for behavior that hurt her.
• She abandoned her values to keep the relationship alive.
• She felt worthy when he chose her, included her, or gave her attention.

At the root of it was a painful belief:

“If someone chooses me, I am worthy.”

That belief made it hard for her to leave, even when the relationship was costing her peace.

The Deeper Truth

Part of her guilt was connected to the thought:

“I abandoned the relationship.”

She felt shame for leaving. She wondered if she had failed him, failed the relationship, or walked away without doing enough.

But when they slowed it down, the truth became clearer.

She had silenced her voice. She had adjusted her values. She had tolerated criticism. She had stayed in chaos because part of her believed the relationship gave her proof that she was chosen, loved, and enough.

The fantasy was:

“He is committed. He includes me. He gives me his time. He must love me. This must be going somewhere.”

The reality was:

“I do not feel safe. I do not feel respected. I am shrinking myself to stay connected.”

That distinction changed everything.

The Work

They used a guilt and shame exercise to help her separate what happened from who she was.

Guilt says: “I did something bad.”
Shame says: “I am bad.”

She came in carrying shame. She felt like leaving meant she had failed.

But through the work, she began to see that leaving was not failure. Leaving was self-respect.

They explored how the relationship had affected her self-esteem, her sense of self, and her ability to trust herself in love.

Then they walked through the deeper story.

She had focused on the good parts of him. He was committed. He was consistent. He was generous with his time. He included her in his life, his family, and his world.

Those things mattered to her because they made her feel chosen.

And feeling chosen made her feel worthy.

But the cost was high.

She was choosing external validation over inner peace.

So they worked on a new truth:

“I am worthy of a love that respects me. I am enough as I am. I would rather be alone and at peace than in chaos. Leaving a toxic relationship is not failure. It is courage.”

That truth helped her reconnect to herself.

The Shift

By the end of the session, her energy had changed.

She moved from guilt to clarity.

She moved from shame to self-compassion.

She moved from:

“I abandoned him”

to:

“I stopped abandoning myself.”

Her new feelings were peace, calm, aliveness, and self-trust.

Her new actions were clear:

• Trust her discernment.
• Stay present instead of being led by fear.
• Communicate her values and boundaries clearly.
• Set boundaries, even if it meant the relationship had to end.
• Stop making another person’s validation the source of her worth.

Her homework was to write amends to herself.

Not to him.

To herself.

She needed to forgive herself for beating herself up, for staying too long, for silencing her voice, and for forgetting her own worth.

The Continued Transformation

After that first session, she joined Dagmar's workshop. Then she signed up for group coaching.

The work continued. She kept looking at her patterns. She kept practicing her voice. She kept learning how to date from self-worth instead of fear.

In her own words, her biggest takeaway was:

“I stopped looking for who to blame for failed relationships and started examining my ways.”

That sentence captures the transformation.

She stopped making the work only about what someone else did wrong.

She started asking better questions:

“What did I ignore?”
“What did I tolerate?”
“What did I need but not say?”
“What part of me was seeking validation instead of choosing peace?”

That is where her power came back.

The Result

Today, she is in a healthy, committed relationship.

She is dating with intention and with marriage in mind.

But the biggest result is not just that she found a better relationship.

The biggest result is that she became a safer place for herself.

She now understands that love should not require self-abandonment. She knows her voice matters. She knows peace is not boring. She knows being chosen by someone else cannot replace choosing herself.

She is no longer dating to prove she is worthy.

She is dating from the truth that she already is.

The Lesson

The lesson from this case is simple:

And when someone’s validation becomes your source of worth, you may tolerate things that your deeper self knows are not okay.

Healing begins when you stop asking, “Why did they do this to me?” and start asking, “What pattern in me kept me participating?”

That is not blame.

That is power.

Because once you can name the pattern, you can break it.

And once you stop abandoning yourself, you can finally choose love from a place of peace, clarity, and self-respect.

×

From Closed Off to Emotionally Open and in a Healthy Relationship

Client Snapshot — Craig

Craig first attended Dagmar's workshop on choosing an emotionally available relationship.

He came in wanting to understand how to create a healthier relationship, but one idea from the workshop stood out to him right away:

Instead of only asking, “Do they like me?” or “How do I feel about them?” ask, “How do I feel around them?”

That question helped him shift his attention.

He stopped making dating only about being chosen. He started observing himself.

That was the beginning of the change.

The Core Pattern

His core pattern was emotional guardedness.

He did not realize how closed off he was at first. Like many people, he thought he was simply being careful, independent, or protective of himself.

But through the workshop and group coaching, he started to see the pattern more clearly.

He was not fully letting people in.

This showed up in small ways:

• Holding back what he really felt.
• Not communicating as openly as he could.
• Observing others, but not always observing himself.
• Focusing on whether the other person liked him instead of noticing how safe, present, and connected he felt.
• Keeping emotional distance, even when he wanted closeness.

His desire was a healthy relationship.

But his protection was getting in the way of deeper connection.

The Deeper Truth

The deeper truth was that emotional availability is not only about choosing someone who is open.

He came to the workshop wanting to understand how to choose an emotionally available partner. But as the work continued, he realized he also had to look at his own availability.

Was he present?

Was he honest?

Was he communicating clearly?

Was he letting himself be seen?

This was the shift.

He stopped looking only at the other person and started paying attention to himself in the connection.

That gave him more clarity.

The Work

In the workshop, he learned to observe himself differently in relationships.

Instead of only focusing on approval, attraction, or chemistry, he practiced asking:

“How do I feel around this person?”
“Do I feel calm?”
“Do I feel like myself?”
“Am I performing?”
“Am I hiding?”
“Am I open, or am I protecting myself?”

He tried this on a date and noticed the difference right away.

The question gave him a new kind of awareness.

It helped him slow down and listen to his body, his emotions, and his behavior.

Then, when he joined group coaching, they worked more deeply on openness.

He began to see that communication was not just about saying the right thing. It was about letting himself be known.

That meant practicing honesty in real time.

It meant sharing more instead of retreating.

It meant noticing when he wanted to close off and choosing connection instead.

The Shift

The biggest shift was awareness.

He did not come in thinking, “I am closed off.”

He discovered that through the work.

And once he saw it, he could change it.

He began to understand that being emotionally available requires more than wanting a healthy relationship. It requires the courage to show up with honesty, presence, and openness.

He started communicating differently.

Not only with his partner, but in other relationships too.

In his own words:

“I’ve noticed an improvement in communication with my partner and coworkers as well.”

That matters.

Because real growth does not stay in one area of life.

When you become more open, it changes how you date, how you work, how you speak, and how you connect.

The Result

Today, he is in a healthy relationship.

But the bigger result is that he is showing up differently inside that relationship.

He is more open.
He is more aware.
He communicates better.

He pays attention to how he feels around his partner, not just whether he is liked, accepted, or approved of.

That is emotional maturity.

He is no longer only trying to choose an emotionally available relationship.

He is learning to be emotionally available inside the healthy relationship he is now in.

The Lesson

The lesson from this case is simple:

When you stop asking only, “Do they like me?” and start asking, “How do I feel around them?” you return to yourself.

You stop performing.

You stop chasing approval.

You start observing the truth.

And from that truth, you can choose connection with more clarity, confidence, and care.

×

From Poor Relationship with Business Partner to Thriving

Client Snapshot

This client came to Dagmar wanting relationship coaching.

She wanted to be in a healthy relationship. She wanted to understand herself better in love, communication, and connection.

But as they started working together, something important came up.

The relationship that needed attention first was not a romantic one.

It was the relationship with her business partner.

She and her business partner were butting heads. Their communication felt tense. She often felt blamed, dismissed, or attacked. Around him, she felt less than.

That became the doorway into the deeper work.

Because sometimes the pattern you want to heal in dating is already showing up somewhere else.

The Core Pattern

Her core pattern was emotional activation around criticism, blame, and feeling misunderstood.

When conflict happened with her business partner, her nervous system would react. She felt tense. Her body would shift. Her posture changed. She felt it in her gut.

Underneath the anger was pain.

She felt not smart enough. Not respected enough. Not heard enough. At times, she questioned whether she deserved to be where she was.

The anger was not the whole story.

The anger was protecting something softer.

It was protecting hurt, fear, insecurity, and low self-esteem.

Her triggers included:

• Feeling blamed
• Feeling dismissed or ignored
• Feeling attacked
• Feeling criticized
• Feeling like a failure
• Feeling like her opinions were not being considered
• Feeling misunderstood

The story underneath was:

“I’m not enough.”

That story was affecting the way she communicated, the way she reacted, and the way she experienced conflict.

The Deeper Truth

The deeper truth was that emotional safety was missing.

She did not just need better communication skills.

She needed to learn what safety felt like in her body.

For her, safety meant:

• Calm
• Curiosity
• Consistency
• Connection without control
• Feeling acknowledged
• Feeling understood
• Being able to speak without walking on eggshells

When those things were missing, her nervous system became activated.

She did not feel safe, so she reacted from protection.

That reaction made sense.

But it was not creating the outcome she wanted.

The goal was not to shame her anger. The goal was to understand it.

The Work

They worked through an emotional safety and anger regulation exercise.

First, she learned what happens when she does not feel emotionally safe. When there is blame, judgment, assumption, or criticism, the nervous system can move into protection.

That protection may look like anger, defensiveness, shutting down, over-explaining, or trying to control the conversation.

Then they slowed the anger down.

Instead of asking, “How do I stop being angry?” they asked better questions:

“What is this anger trying to protect?”
“What story am I telling myself?”
“What is happening in my body?”
“What need is not being met?”
“What would help me feel safe enough to respond differently?”

She identified that anger showed up as tension, tightness, a racing heart, shallow breathing, and feeling activated in her body.

She also saw the thoughts behind it:

“I’m not being heard.”
“They always do this to me.”
“I’m not smart enough.”
“I’m being attacked.”
“This is all on me.”

Once she could name the thoughts, she could stop letting them run the whole conversation.

The Safety Plan

They created a safety plan so she could work through her emotions before reacting.

The plan gave her something practical to return to when she felt activated.

Pause before responding.

She practiced stopping before reacting, taking a step back, and giving herself space.

Take three deep breaths.

This helped her come back into her body instead of staying trapped in the story.

Observe the sensation.

She learned to notice where the anger lived in her body: her gut, chest, jaw, heart, posture, and breath.

Name the emotion.

“I’m feeling activated right now. I’m not ready to respond yet.”

Separate the story from the truth.

“What story is my brain telling me right now?”

Return to her worth.

“My worth is not at risk.”

Communicate from neutrality.

For example:

“When I noticed that the client’s feedback wasn’t addressed after we agreed on changes, I felt frustrated and confused. I really value reliability and shared responsibility. Would you be open to us reviewing how we’re dividing tasks so we can both feel clear and aligned?”

This helped her speak without blame.

It also helped her honor her needs, even if the other person did not respond perfectly.

That was a huge shift.

Because communication is not about controlling someone else’s reaction.

It is about honoring your truth with clarity.

The Shift

The biggest shift was that she stopped seeing her anger as the problem.

She started seeing it as information.

Her anger was showing her where she felt unsafe, unseen, and less than.

Once she understood that, she could respond with more awareness.

She learned to pause instead of react.

She learned to feel the emotion in her body instead of letting it take over.

She learned to communicate her needs without making the other person the enemy.

And she learned that her worth was not something her business partner could give or take away.

That changed the dynamic.

The Result

Not only did her relationship with her business partner improve, but he also ended up seeking help too.

That is powerful.

Because when one person changes the pattern, the whole relationship system can shift.

She came in wanting relationship coaching, and through the work, she saw that healthy relationships are not only about romance.

They are about emotional safety.

They are about how we handle conflict.

They are about whether we can stay curious instead of blaming, stay connected instead of controlling, and stay grounded instead of reacting from old pain.

Her communication improved. Her emotional awareness improved. The business partnership improved.

And most importantly, she began relating from a more secure place inside herself.

The Lesson

The lesson from this case is simple:

For this client, the pattern showed up through anger, criticism, blame, and feeling less than. But underneath it was a deeper need for safety, understanding, and self-trust.

Once she learned to pause, feel, name the story, and communicate from her values, everything started to change.

Emotional safety is not the absence of conflict.

It is the ability to stay connected to yourself when conflict happens.

That is what creates healthier love, healthier communication, and healthier relationships in every area of life.

×

From Numbness to Self-Trust

Client Snapshot

This client first came to Dagmar for one coaching session.

At the time, he felt numb.

He knew something was off, but he could not fully explain it. He had done work before, but he had never been able to get to the root of what he was carrying.

After that first session, he signed up for four months of one-on-one coaching.

That gave them the space to go deeper.

The Core Struggle

His core struggle was emotional numbness.

He was disconnected from what he felt, what he needed, and what felt safe in his body.

On the surface, numbness can look like calm.

But it is not always peace.

Sometimes numbness is protection.

It can be the body’s way of saying:

“This was too much, so I shut it down.”

For him, the numbness was connected to an old wound.

He had always felt singled out.

He felt different.

And because of that, part of him learned to disconnect instead of fully feel.

The Deeper Truth

The deeper truth was that he did not just need to think differently.

He needed to feel safe differently.

He had spent a long time living from protection. His body did not know what safety felt like yet.

So the breakthrough was not only:

“I understand my trauma.”

The breakthrough was:

“I can finally see why I shut down.”

That changed everything.

Once he understood the root, they could stop treating numbness like the problem and start seeing it as a signal.

His numbness was not weakness.

It was protection.

The Work

They focused on helping him reconnect to himself slowly and safely.

The work was not about forcing him to feel everything at once.

It was about building enough safety in his body so he could begin to feel without becoming overwhelmed.

Dagmar created a private meditation for him that was specific to his experience. It helped him slow down, connect with his body, and begin creating a sense of inner safety.

They also built practical tools around:

• Emotional awareness
• Nervous system safety
• Self-trust
• Boundaries
• Dating triggers
• Confidence
• Standards

He began learning how to notice what was happening inside him instead of ignoring it, suppressing it, or judging it.

He started asking:

“What do I feel?”
“What do I need?”
“What feels safe?”
“What feels like self-abandonment?”
“What standard am I allowed to have here?”

Those questions helped him return to himself.

The Shift

One of the biggest shifts was boundaries.

Before coaching, he had not really set boundaries with family.

He was used to adjusting, staying quiet, or abandoning himself to keep the peace.

But as his confidence grew, he started doing something new.

He started speaking up.

He started setting limits.

He started noticing when something did not feel right and honoring that instead of overriding it.

That was a major change.

He also began dating differently.

In the past, dating would trigger him. It would bring up old fears, old wounds, and old patterns.

But through the work, he learned how to stay connected to himself while dating.

He did not have to collapse into fear.

He did not have to abandon himself for connection.

He did not have to feel ashamed for having standards.

The Result

The result was confidence.

Not loud confidence.

Real confidence.

The kind that comes from knowing yourself, trusting yourself, and no longer needing to betray yourself to be accepted.

He is no longer abandoning himself.

He is setting boundaries with family.

He is dating without getting triggered the way he used to.

He has standards and is not ashamed of them.

He understands himself more deeply.

And most importantly, he is learning what safety feels like in his own body.

That is the transformation.

The Lesson

The lesson from this case is simple:

Numbness is not always emptiness.

Sometimes numbness is protection.

But you cannot build a healthy relationship while disconnected from yourself.

You have to come back to your body.
You have to learn what safety feels like.
You have to honor your standards.
You have to stop abandoning yourself just to stay connected to others.

When he got to the root of the wound, he stopped seeing himself as broken.

He started seeing himself clearly.

And from that clarity, he built confidence, boundaries, and self-trust.